


Deaths Spawn 4: Scar Tissue

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Drama, Gen, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-27
Updated: 2004-06-27
Packaged: 2018-10-07 02:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10350849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Spoilers: "In the Line of Duty"Season: Some time between beginning of 3 and 5Summary: Sam must figure out where to go from here.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 Fanfiction - Deaths Spawn 4: Scar Tissue

##  Deaths Spawn 4: Scar Tissue

##### Written by Confushi Sushi  
Comments? Write to us at confushi_sushi@hotmail.com

  * SUMMARY: Sam must figure out where to go from here.
  * SEASON: Some time between beginning of 3 and 5
  * PG-13 [D] [A]



* * *

Sam hated the ceiling. She had traced every seam in it countless times, but that wasn’t the reason for the hatred. The lines were too straight, the corners too pointed. It was…

‘Unnatural’ a dark whisper supplied. Sam closed her eyes, but got no relief. Whenever her eyes closed she would see the faces of SG-7 as her warriors cut them open, their knives tearing into their chests as the screamed in agony. Her warriors. She had ordered it. She had killed them.

It was a vicious cycle. Their screams would echo in her mind so loudly that she would be forced to open her eyes again. Then the voice would taunt her. It would supply ‘infidel’ or ‘abomination’ when her gaze would catch anything in the room. But she couldn’t keep her eyes open forever, nor would the men’s cries allow her to keep them shut. Sam knew no peace.

"Hey, Carter." she opened her eyes to see the Colonel approaching her bed. She wondered if he had caught anything in her unguarded moment. Talking about this was not an option, to anyone. So Sam had decided that she would show them that she didn’t need to talk. Whenever anyone was around she was fine.

Or that’s what she hoped they thought.

"Sir. What a surprise." Sam said in as amused a tone as she could manage without her heart being in it. It was hard to come up with times that he or one of the others wasn’t around. Sam found it comforting actually, a distraction from her inner turmoil. But she had to be normal, and normal Sam wouldn’t find such hovering pleasant.

She saw the dubious frown on his face for a moment, and guessed she had either tried too hard or not enough. Whatever he may have thought though, he didn’t say anything about it. "Just stopped by to see how you were doing." He said as he rolled on the balls of his feet, his hands thrust into his pockets.

Sam closed her eyes in exasperation, the action cut short as she saw Keelak’s body writhing under the power of the hand device. The vision shocked her so much she almost forgot what was going on, but managed to recover herself. "Probably the same as the last time you asked - this morning."

"So, when are you getting sprung?" Jack quickly changed the subject. Seeing as it was barely after noon she guessed it was a good thing.

"Janet says that I can get out of here tomorrow." Smile. She didn’t have to worry about looking sincere. Sam couldn’t wait to get out of there.

"Need a lift?" Sam was perfectly able to drive herself, or at least she thought so. Her arm was still in an air cast, but her car was an automatic and the trip wasn’t complicated. Janet would probably make her get a ride home anyway, either with an airman or one of the guys, but that was little concern to her. Just as long as she would be alone when she got there, Sam didn’t care how she got home.

"It’s ok, sir. I’ll manage." If he took her home, though, she doubted she’d be able to get him to leave. Everyone had been hinting at her needing to talk to someone about everything, and that’s why Sam was going through such lengths to show them that she didn’t need to. Jack would probably try to use that time to get her to spill. Sam didn’t want that kind of hassle.

"You sure?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

*

"Janet, I’m fine!" Sam exclaimed in frustration. The petite doctor, however, was not phased. Sam needed to talk about what had happened to her, Janet could see that. She saw the way the woman would start and jerk awake in the night. When she thought she was alone, or that no one was looking, the pain was visible on her face. 

"Are you?" Dr. Fraiser asked calmly, knowing that losing her control now wouldn’t help.

"Yes! Now can I please go home?" She could hear the pleading tone in her friend’s words.

"Sam, I’m worried about you, and so are the others. I don’t know if you should be alone right now." Unfortunately, she didn’t have anything to keep her with.

"I’ve forgotten what alone feels like!" Sam shot back, referring to the continual visits she received from the other members of SG-1. Janet would order them to give Sam some space, but the moment her back was turned she’d see either one or all of them congregated by her bed.

"I just wish you’d talk to someone about - this." She informed the impatient woman before her. General Hammond was waiting for Sam to recover before debriefing her, and so far any attempts at getting information out of her had been deflected.

"There’s nothing to talk about." Sam replied defensively.

Janet sighed in defeat; this argument would go on forever if she let it. "If you need anything at all, you call me. Got it? And you’re going to let an airman drive you home or no deal." The consolation that she gave herself was that SG-1 would doubtlessly be checking up on their friend on an almost continual basis.

"Deal. Thank you Janet!" Sam jumped off of the bed she had been sitting upon and hugged her friend. Janet returned the hug lightly, Sam’s ribs were still a little tender, and her arm was in an air cast. Then she left the room so fast that Janet saw nothing but a blond streak rounding the corner.

*

Daniel sat in his office, trying to analyze the statue from P5X 477 that SG-8 had brought back a few days ago. He couldn’t concentrate on it, despite his best efforts. No matter how hard he focussed on the object, his mind would wander back to Sam. Everyone was worried about her, but she wouldn’t accept their help. Something this huge just couldn’t be swept under the rug like that. Unfortunately, that was exactly what Sam was trying to do.

They had all tried everything they could think of. He, Jack, Janet, and even Teal’c had tried to get her to acknowledge that there was a problem. She would vociferously deny it, but it was visible that she was not taking this as well as she pretended. Daniel remembered one especially unguarded moment when he had seen her eyes snap open, the unnamed horror of what she had seen still evident. She didn’t know he had seen, and it had been all Daniel could do not to rush into the infirmary and comfort her.

Shaking his head to try and dispel the thoughts that ran through his head, Daniel tried once again to work on the artifact. When it became apparent that any efforts on doing so would be futile, he decided to go pay Sam a visit.

Maybe, if he were lucky, she would have come to her senses by then.

Daniel entered the infirmary, eyes scanning for Sam. A cold dread filled him for a moment as he first saw the empty bed, stripped and waiting for its next occupant.

"Doctor Jackson, I thought I told you to beat it." Janet said jokingly as she walked up behind him. Daniel turned to face the doctor.

"I, well, you did." Daniel stammered. "Where’s Sam?"

"Home. Resting hopefully."

"Hopefully? You let her go alone?" Daniel couldn’t miss the annoyed stare that Janet was now giving him. He winced in response. Listening to his own words he could see how he and the others were hovering. Sure Sam was going through a particularly hard time right now, but everyone needed their space. Perhaps, if they gave her a little room, Sam would be able to get some perspective on things. "Sorry."

"Don’t worry Daniel. I had an airman drive her home and told her to call me if there’s a problem. Just give her a day or so to breathe, ok?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll go tell the others."

Janet gave an exaggerated sigh of relief. Dealing with an irate Colonel and temperamental jaffa hadn’t been very high on her list of enjoyable experiences. "Please do."

The young archaeologist stumbled out the way he had come.

*

Maybe having the Colonel or one of the other guys drive her would have been a good idea. She looked straight out of the windshield, but her attention was focussed on the airman in the driver’s seat. Without actually looking at him, she couldn’t be certain, but she was sure that he was glancing at her out of the corner of his eye every now and then. Like he was expecting something. Like he didn’t know what to expect. Maybe he was afraid of her, or what she could do.

Or, maybe, she was imagining it all.

Real or not, Sam was feeling more and more uncomfortable as the drive wore on. What did he expect from her? Was the airman worried she would attack him? The scars on her forehead were beginning to itch furiously, but she resolutely kept her hands down. Sam didn’t want to draw attention to the marks, especially not in such a tense moment. Whenever she thought about the scars she didn’t immediately think about how they were made.

She thought of Teal’c.

Like him, she was now marked, nothing more than property. And both had broken from the systems that worked to control them. Only one important fact separated them. Teal’c had never been exactly what his master had wanted. He killed. He did many terrible things. But there was always a part of him that had tried to minimize the damage he inflicted, saving lives whenever possible. Sam couldn’t say the same about herself.

‘Hora sok beloi ti sel ragama tor.’ The only truths of life are pain and death. Sam had taken the Yuuzhan Vong’s ideals to heart. One may argue that she saved Fells, SG-7’s commander. Sam knew that that had been for all the wrong reasons. She didn’t allow herself to even think otherwise. She knew that having him return and tell the tale would hurt those at the SGC more than just finding their dead bodies. That way, they knew exactly who was responsible. Suffering had been what she had worked for then. Any thoughts she had had about saving anyone were beaten back to the best of her abilities.

"Ma’am?" Sam quickly turned to the airmen, noting that the scenery out the window was now stationary. His tone made it apparent that he had been trying to get her attention for some time. "We’re here."

"Thank you, airman." He was looking at her scars, Sam could tell. He would try to look inconspicuous, only glancing at them quickly and then drawing his eyes elsewhere. She wanted to scream at him, but she had to play the normal, not-affected-by-recent-events, Carter.

She settled by getting out of the car as fast as possible without looking like she was fleeing. She forced herself not to look back as she heard the car speed off. Sam just knew that he was glancing at her through the rearview mirror, probably certain that he’d see her start up some satanic dance on her lawn or something equally as absurd. What made her even angrier is the fact that she could see herself doing such things. She was capable of anything, hadn’t she already proven that?

The neighborhood was empty; it was 12:56 so most everyone was at work. Even so, Sam swore she could feel eyes from every house burning into her. She looked at the surrounding buildings, but was unable to find a trace of anyone. That only caused the feeling to intensify. Sam couldn’t stand it, so she fled up the steps to her door, fumbling with her key. It seemed to take forever to get the stupid thing into the lock, but finally she got it to slide in, entering her house as quickly as possible.

As soon as she cleared the threshold she slammed the door and locked it again. Sighing, Sam closed her eyes and rested her back against the door. Now that she was free she didn’t know what to do with herself. She had been so focussed on simply getting away that she hadn’t thought of what would be accomplished.

The wall clock ticked unnaturally loudly in the silence of the house. Each movement of the hand reverberated in her skull. The pressure built to the point that she swore that if it got any louder her head would simply crack open.

‘Murderer.’ The clock shouted at her. ‘Traitor.’ Each tick was another taunt.

"Shut up!" Sam screamed at the unnatural sound as she covered her ears. The clock laughed at her futile attempts, so she ripped it off of the wall and smashed it on the floor. Hands shaking, Sam slid down the side of the counter to the floor.

*

"She did what?" Jack questioned angrily. Yup, Daniel could really see why Sam would want to get away for a while.

"You heard me, Jack." He responded, and then added, "Maybe all she does need is a little space."

"Believe me, space is the last thing she needs right now."

"What makes you say that?" Daniel asked confusedly, how did he know what she needed? Or, why did he think he knew.

"Just, I know." Jack stated firmly.

"I’d really like to know how you know." Then, it came to him, along with a disapproving glare from Jack. Jack had been in an Iraqi prison for four months. Though not the same experiences completely, he knew better than anyone what that kind of situation would do to someone. "Iraq?"

"Yeah." Jack nodded glumly.

"Well, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying the crowding."

"Do you think she’d show it if she was?" Jack asked seriously. Daniel had to agree; Sam wouldn’t let them know she wanted, or even needed, something like that. Heaven forbid she have a moment of "weakness".

"You have a point." And Daniel had just been starting to feel better about this whole situation.

"Just remember, Daniel, the harder she tries to act like normal, the worse it is."

"So, what do you suggest?"

"We go pay a visit."

*

Sam huddled in the corner of her living room, curled up tightly with her head resting on her knees. She was going insane, she thought. That was the only explanation she could come up with. She was afraid to move, or think, or do anything of any sort, lest the voice start up again. All that she wanted was to forget, but the harder she tried to do so, the stronger the images came.

She had been in the corner for hours, since she was able to collect herself and leave the main room. Being alone wasn’t supposed to be so difficult. Without distractions she was at the mercy of her own thoughts, and they showed her none. If a disgusted feeling didn’t wash over her every time she thought of even touching the phone, she might have called someone.

Might have.

Even if that weren’t the case, Sam wouldn’t want anyone to see her in her current state. Curled up in the fetal position arguing with yourself wasn’t a very becoming look. She just wanted it all to stop. For everything to go back to normal. To the way it was before the whole Yuuzhan Vong stint.

A knock on the door froze her stiff. She decided it would be best just to stay where she was and hope that whoever was there would leave.

But they just knocked louder.

"Carter!" she heard her CO’s cry pierce the door. He sounded very concerned. Since she knew he would not leave, Sam reluctantly got up. Emotions began to rage in her, she knew exactly why he was here and what he would try to do. The problem was that she didn’t know how to stop him.

She jerked the door open to see Jack about to knock again.

"Colonel," she said with surprise, and then saw he wasn’t alone, "Daniel."

"Hey, Sam." Daniel replied, waving slightly.

"Just thought we’d stop by, see how things were going." Jack explained.

"Things are fine."

"Can we come in?" Daniel asked.

"Actually, I was hoping…"

"We brought pizza, and a few flicks. They’re girly movies even." Jack interrupted with an innocent smile, and she finally noticed the mentioned items in Daniel’s arms.

She didn’t know what to do; so she snapped.

"Why is it so hard for you people to just leave me alone? I don’t want to talk about it!" Sam shouted as tears began to run down her face. She tried to shut the door, but Jack shoved his foot in the jam. When that failed, she instinctively tried to flee the room, but Jack was able to grab her wrist before she could get away.

"Carter!"

"Vrat al uili!" Everyone, even Sam, was shocked into silence. They looked at each other with mutual bewildered expressions.

"Sam?" Daniel questioned hesitantly. There was a long silence.

"It’s all still there." Sam replied in little more than a whisper. She slid to the floor, leaning against the counter behind her. Jack realized she had no intentions of running, where could she go? So he let go, and the 2 sat on either side of her.

"Tell us. Let us help you." Jack pleaded.

Sam lowered her head and closed her eyes. She really didn’t want to talk. Giving voice to her problems would acknowledge them; make them real. But she knew she didn’t have the energy to try and fight off both of their probes.

"I know I’m Major Samantha Carter, but the memories they gave me are still there. It feels like there are 2 of me, pulling in opposite directions." Sam was heedless of the tears that fell from her cheeks onto her leg, which she clutched to her chest.

"God, Sam, you shouldn’t have tried to bottle all of this up." Daniel stated without judgement.

"I just want to forget." Fully crying now, Sam leaned against Daniel’s side. Wasting no time, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. Jack remained where he was, looking a little uncomfortable as he tried to think of something appropriate to do. The end result was he just sat there fidgeting, no words coming to mind as Sam sobbed against the young man’s side.

*

Jack gently placed Sam’s sleeping form onto her bed, pulling the quilt up over her. She had cried herself to sleep, something Jack guessed she hadn’t really had since leaving that planet they had crashed on and returning to Earth. Though, since she had been badly injured, it wasn’t a very fair assessment.

She may have been asleep, but her face held none of the peace that should have accompanied that state. A slight frown pulled at her lips, and her forehead wrinkled to match, creasing the scars there.

Jack took a few moments to watch her sleep before he returned to the living room where Daniel waited, sitting restlessly on the couch. "Still asleep?" Daniel inquired.

"Yeah. I think she’s pretty well wiped out." Daniel just nodded in agreement. Jack plopped down beside the man, letting his head hang off the back of the couch as he scrubbed his face with both hands.

"How are you doing?"

"What?" Jack asked, wondering what he had to do with anything.

"How are you doing?" Daniel repeated, with more emphasis.

"She’s the one with the problems right now, Danny, not me."

"That may be, but it doesn’t mean that you’re ok with everything."

"Of course I’m not ok with everything! Sam’s had her head screwed around with and she’s been put through God knows what exactly. I mean just take one look at what they did to themselves, willingly I might add, and then just guess at some of the things she could have been put through!" Jack was breathless by the end of his rant, but had to silently give it up to Daniel. He wondered if the young man was thinking about applying for Doc McKenzie’s position.

"Believe me, I have. I want her to get through this just as badly as you do."

"I know." Jack assured, then added off-handedly, "Wonder why Teal’c didn’t come along."

"Probably thought that 4 was a crowd." Daniel joked before stating seriously, "I’m sure he had his reasons."

They sat on the couch in silence; the light beginning to fade as the sun began to set. Neither turned on the TV or even tried to start a conversation. Both were loath to have any distractions lest they miss something important. And, amazingly, the whole time Jack never uttered a word.

They were so high-strung that when an inarticulate yell sounded from Sam’s room, both of them jumped noticeably, and then rushed to the nearby room in record time. Sam muttered unintelligible words, some sounding decidedly alien, as she tossed against the covers.

"’Not one of you!" she cried out.

Daniel grabbed her shoulder and began shaking lightly. "Sam!"

Her eyes snapped open immediately, but she struggled against him. "Carter, it’s ok, it’s us!" Jack informed her.

Slowly, as his words sank in and her confusion began to dissipate, she stilled. "I tried to fight it. I really did." Sam blurted out, eyes tightly closed.

"No one has any doubts about that." Daniel assured her. "Tell us." He insisted.

"The shapers on the Domain Keth worldship, they would just put the memories they wanted me to have into my head. I knew they were false, that they weren’t mine. But they would just do it again, and it would stick more. It became harder to doubt them. I couldn’t tell what was true or not. I, somehow it seemed right to me."

She sat up in the bed, and the two sat down on the edges, facing her. "Sounds like an impossible situation. You did your best." Jack told her.

"I’m sure everyone that died takes a lot of consolation from that." Sam muttered, unimpressed.

"You weren’t responsible for any of that." Daniel informed her.

"I sent them to the SGC!" she countered, referring to the attack that had killed so many.

"That wasn’t you."

*

"Wasn’t it?" Sam shot back. "I still knew everything. I knew who all of you were, what we’ve done together."

"You said it yourself, they twisted things. You weren’t yourself." Jack tried to make her see reason.

"They’re all dead because of me! Me! SG-7, the personnel on base, SG-4! It’s all my fault!" ‘And you enjoyed every one’ the voice in her head supplied. She remembered the sick glee that shot through her at the time, knowing she had killed all of those people. She had enjoyed them, and that’s what made it even worse.

Silence ensued for several terse moments. Then Jack broke the silence. "Fells said that you asked him for help before sending him back through the ‘gate. Did you mean it?"

"Yes. No. I don’t know." That moment was a very confusing one. At the time she had tried to convince herself that she had only done it to add to their emotional suffering. If they thought that she wanted to be saved, then they’d try all the harder. But a small part of her, the little bit that still tried to resist, however futilely it may have been, secretly hoped that another team would come through the ‘gate, kill the warriors around her, and take her home.

"Look, no one’s perfect. Don’t think that you have to be. You won’t allow yourself to see past your own guilt. If our places were switched, would you hold all of this against me?" She could tell he was pleased she didn’t just outright deny it.

"You wouldn’t have let it happen."

"Damn it, Carter! Are you even listening to anything you’re saying? You said they refined their technique, they could have done that to anyone. It just happened to be you." Jack felt like he was banging his head against a stone wall.

"I. I did kill someone. Directly." Sam informed them quietly. She wanted them to understand that she didn’t deserve their sympathy.

"Who?" Daniel asked. He didn’t remember the body they had found off hand.

"My second." Sam saw the smiles forming on both of their faces in response to her victim being the enemy; they didn’t understand. "I didn’t do it for any of the right reasons."

They just sat there, waiting for her to continue. She didn’t know that they had found his body. "He kept questioning my orders. Keelak just wanted to rush in a frontal attack when you came after me on that planet. I knew that wouldn’t work, but he disagreed in front of the others. To keep them in line, I killed him. I used the hand device and scrambled his brains." There was a pause. "I liked it. A lot."

The image looped in her head. She saw Keelak’s eyes looking at her with startled fear. He hadn’t thought her capable of such an action, that much was obvious. She remembered his eyes and how they slowly glazed over as death approached. In that moment she had been powerful, his pain bringing her pleasure. For one moment, she had been God. And it scared her.

‘You can have that power again.’ The voice told her.

"No!" Sam cried, gripping her head. She didn’t even acknowledge that they had been saying anything to her, the voice in her own head deafening. ‘All you have to do is kill them. They won’t even see it coming.’

"Shut up! Leave me alone! I’m not like that!"

"Sam!" Daniel’s voice finally broke through her haze. Slowly, she began to realize her current position. She was lying curled up on her side, their hands on her shoulders and arms as she stopped fighting against them. Tears pooled on the sheets below her.

"Carter, we’re going to take you back to the SGC." Jack informed her. She would have protested, fought vehemently against them, but she just felt so worn out. As much as she didn’t want anyone else to see her as she was now, she couldn’t bring herself to invest energy into fighting. It was a lost cause and she knew it.

*

Janet sat in her office, having just gotten off of the phone with Colonel O’Neill. He called to say that they were bringing Sam back. Apparently she was worse than Janet had figured. She wasn’t naïve, she knew that the woman wasn’t fine, but neither did she think that Sam was having such a hard time dealing with things. Then again, Sam didn’t tell her any more about anything than she had to, and even that had been like pulling teeth.

Damn Sam and her stubbornness. Damn her for not seeing it. She had let Sam go off on her own, left her to the mercy of her own inner demons. Janet had sent her out to sea, cutting the lifeline and just hoping things would turn out ok. How would Sam ever forgive her for such a thing?

They would be here soon, and Janet wanted to take a few tests when she arrived. Brain activity on the MRI had been a little off when she had last checked, but that could easily just be stress, and she knew Sam was under a lot of stress from this experience. Maybe she had missed something before, and maybe she’d understand things better now.

Even after Jack’s call, Janet wasn’t prepared for the sight before her when Sam entered the infirmary, one of Daniel’s arms wrapped around her shoulders. Her expression was blank. She looked like little more than a shell, simply going through the motions. How could she let this happen to her friend?

She didn’t know how to start, so she stammered. "Um, ok Sam. I just want to run a few tests, see if there have been any significant changes. I guess we’ll get started off with an MRI ok?"

"No!" Sam immediately replied, taking them all by surprise.

"Why not?" Daniel asked her.

"I can’t."

"Carter, what is it?" Jack probed further.

Sam hesitated, her eyes drifting to the floor. "It’s. It’s a machine." She whispered.

Janet saw Daniel’s eyes widen noticeably, and she eyed him with a glare that asked for answers, since he apparently knew something she didn’t.

"Uh, the, they, they hated technology. That commander guy nearly killed me for just talking about it." Daniel responded to the look.

"Sam, why didn’t you say anything before?" Janet wondered. The prior tests she had seemed a little off, but she never voiced any discomfort. And then there had been the two car trips and the rides in the elevators.

"I didn’t want anyone to know. And, it wasn’t as bad before."

"If you hide this kind of thing, we can’t do anything to help you with it." Jack informed. Janet would have laughed, if the situation weren’t what it was. Jack was just as stubborn as anyone, listening to him give that kind of advice seemed a bit hypocritical of him. It was true though.

"That’s ok, we’ll figure something out later. Will taking a blood sample be ok?" Janet asked. It was a few moments before Sam nodded slowly. Well, at least she had something. Retrieving the necessary items, Janet withdrew some blood, hoping to get something that may help with Sam’s current state. She doubted that answers would be found physically, though.

*

Sam laid in the bed in one of the VIP rooms. Daniel sat in a chair beside the bed. She had asked him to stay, which was surprising to them both. Being alone, she had decided, was far worse than asking him to remain. Sam was on her side, staring blankly at him while he read a mission file.

Jack had gone off in search of Teal’c. It was odd that the man hadn’t made some sort of presence when Sam had arrived. No one had any idea what the jaffa was up to, but he hoped to find out.

"Sam." Daniel started, setting the report on the nightstand.

"What?" she asked cautiously.

"Um, well, if this makes you uncomfortable or, you know, you don’t -"

"Daniel, just get on with it." Sam sighed. From his stammered intro she had a pretty good idea on the general idea of the question he had. She didn’t want to have to wait forever to get to the point.

"Ok. Uh, what exactly are the scars about?" His face was red and he lowered his gaze. "Never mind, I’m sorry, just forget I even said anything."

Sam brought a hand up to trace the marks on her forehead. The contact caused her to shudder. Though the question was uncomfortable, she saw no reason not to answer. Keeping things a secret obviously wasn’t working. And so far no one had looked down on her for any of her admissions.

"It’s the symbol of Domain Cha." She answered slowly. Daniel’s head snapped up, a surprised look on his face. He obviously hadn’t been expecting her to answer.

"So, they’re kind of like the tattoo’s jaffa have." He replied cautiously.

"Kind of." Sam agreed. It was about lineage rather than what god you served; though, in a way that was also a factor. Domain Cha was a warrior domain, Yun Yammka the foremost god in their life, aside from the greatest, Yun Yuuzhan. "Usually they are received on the 6th birthday, showing your allegiance to the house. It wasn’t uncommon in the earlier days of the Yuuzhan Vong for one domain to attack another and steal the unmarked children, to add to their own cadres."

"Received?" Daniel was getting more comfortable with this discussion, as was she. Somehow, having someone else know these things with her seemed to lessen the tension.

This wasn’t a question she really wanted to answer though. But she closed her eyes and replied quickly. "The marks must be made by the one who receives them."

"My god, they had children do that to themselves." Daniel gasped. Mutilation was bad enough, but having to do it to one’s self was ghastly.

"Daniel, they don’t view suffering the way we do. They enjoy it!" Sam informed him. She hadn’t. It had been done before the very last implantation of the memories. They had thought she had been turned already, but it had not been complete.

"What is it, Sam?" Daniel asked, having seen something in the look that had crossed her face.

"I was still myself, a little bit." She wanted him to interrupt, add something, but he didn’t. "The rejection was slower. When the ceremony began I was fighting. I knew what was going to happen, and I tried to stop it. But it was stronger. It hurt so much, but I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want it, but I did too."

Sam cried, the hot tears felt like the slick blood that had run down her face. Daniel quickly came over and wrapped her in a hug. "You’re going to get through this."

It took a few minutes for Sam to calm down enough to reply. "I’ve been crying a lot lately." She joked; head still buried in Daniel’s chest.

"There’s nothing wrong with that. Just as long as you don’t try to bottle it up I don’t care what you do." He replied with a smile, which she returned.

Maybe there was something to this after all. She almost felt, human again.

*

"Teal’c!" Jack called as he knocked on the closed door before him.

"I am currently occupied, O’Neill." Teal’c’s deep voice penetrated through the barrier.

"With what?"

"I will be finished momentarily. Until then, please be silent."

Now Jack was really curious. What could be so important that Teal’c wouldn’t go to visit Sam? He had never seen the man act in such a way. So, he waited outside of the door.

After a few minutes, Jack was getting tired, but knew better than to interrupt whatever Teal’c was trying to do. He leaned against the wall beside Teal’c’s door. As curiosity continued to plague him, Jack stuck his ear to the door, hoping to hear something that could give him a clue as to what was going on. If he hadn’t have heard Teal’c respond earlier, he would have been sure the room was empty, as he heard nothing.

Jack wasn’t prepared for the door opening, banging the side of his face against it as the jaffa made his way out. "God, Teal’c, give a man some warning next time."

Teal’c simply looked at him with, well, with one of his disbelieving looks. "What is it that you require, O’Neill?"

"What ya doing in there?"

"It is none of your concern. How is Major Carter?" Jack sighed, Teal’c could be very tight lipped when he wanted to be. Not that he tended to say much of anything in the first place.

‘You win this round’ Jack thought inwardly. "She’s actually started to realize that she needs to deal with this stuff."

"That is good to hear. I must go and speak with her now." Teal’c bowed and then went off on his way. Jack just stood there, trying to figure out exactly where he lost control of their little discussion. As he pondered it he realized he never really had control in the first place.

*

Teal’c strode purposefully down the hall. He had been spending the day preparing for this. Everything had to be precise, and he made very certain of it. He didn’t intend to fail.

Standing before the quarters assigned to her, Teal’c knocked.

"Who is it?" he heard Daniel’s voice ask from inside.

"It is I, Daniel Jackson." Teal’c responded.

"Come on in." Teal’c entered to see Daniel sitting in a chair next to the bed, his hand clamped in Sam’s. She began to stir from sleep, her eyes opening as she took in his presence.

"Teal’c!"

"It is good to see you, Major Carter." Teal’c bowed slightly to her. She did appear much better than the last time he had seen her. Far from healed, but on her way.

"Where were you?" He could see the hurt in her eyes, even if she tried to hide it.

"I apologize, but there were matters that I had to attend to."

"What have you been up to, Teal’c?" Daniel asked.

"It is for Major Carter to know alone. If she wishes to discuss it afterwards, that is her decision."

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked, her curiosity obviously piqued.

"If you will come with me, I will show you." Teal’c came towards the bed and held out his hand. Sam took a moment, waging some mental battle before she took the proffered limb. Daniel looked lost, wondering just as much as anyone else what was going on. Teal’c led Sam out of the room, leaving Daniel to his questions.

"What is this all about?" Sam asked as they made their way down the hall. There were stares from some airmen, but Teal’c’s serious face kept the soldiers moving quickly, their gaze fleeting.

"Be patient and I shall show you." He pulled her into his room and closed the door. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust to the dim light, the candles the only source within the room.

Red, black, and deep purple candles littered the room, not unlike the setup he had to perform kel’no’reem.

*

Sam’s eyes fell on the Yuuzhan Vong breastplate lying on the floor, next to a couffee. A flak vest and a normal knife lay beside those, but did not catch her attention. "Teal’c?" she questioned hesitantly.

"Who are you?" Teal’c’s question caused her to take a step back, her mind returning to the countless times the Yuuzhan Vong had asked her a similar question.

"Teal’c!" she pleaded, feeling the tears threaten. What was he trying to do?

"This is the question you endeavor to answer. You are no longer certain of who you are."

"I know who I am." She assured, but didn’t feel it herself. She knew who she wanted to be, but was uncertain as to whether she could ever be that again.

"You do not. You simply decided that the path you had been led upon was not correct. Humans have names, with these names they associate certain qualities. It is time for you to choose your name."

"Teal’c, I know my own name!" Sam was afraid, of what exactly she couldn’t be certain. Maybe it was fear that he may be right.

"If that were so, then you would not have these doubts." Teal’c responded.

Sam’s eyes locked on the objects on the floor. The breastplate glinted a rusty red in the flickering light, winking at her. It promised her more of the sick bliss she had received while wearing it. Staring at the flak vest she remembered all of the missions she had been on, all of the people they had tried to save, and many times had. The two pieces of armor, opposite in every way conceivable, seemed to be staring each other down, the weapons between them at the ready to strike down the other at a moments notice.

She didn’t know what else to say. "What do I do?"

"Pick up the Yuuzhan Vong armor."

"What?" Had he completely lost it?

"Objects do not define who we are. You must not let them have power over you." Looking up, she saw his face was as serious as ever.

"Teal’c, I can’t." She was afraid that the moment she touched it, she would lose herself. She didn’t want the voice to win.

"The Goa’uld created the staff weapon. Does using one ally me with the Goa’uld?"

"Of course not."

"Then what is the difference?" He asked seriously.

"They bring nothing but death and pain." Sam responded, referring to the Yuuzhan Vong items before her.

"As do Tau’ri weapons."

"But we try to save lives!"

"Then, the difference is not in the weapon, but in the wielder. Objects do not define who we are, but we can define what an object is. With any weapon, you decide how it will be used."

Sam had no response. He was right.

Teal’c picked up the armor and held it before her. "You must prove to yourself that it has no power over you."

She was still reluctant to take it. His words made sense, but what if he was wrong? Going back to that was not an option. Teal’c was adamant though, his belief caused her hand to reach out. Almost imperceptibly, she touched the armor’s smooth surface. Nothing happened.

‘But you wanted it to’ the voice mocked. Sam shook her head as she shot back, banging against the door behind her. "No, I don’t!"

"Major Carter?" Teal’c questioned, concern beginning to show on his hard features.

"I, she’s still in there." Apparently Teal’c had been anticipating such an event as her admission didn’t seem to phase him.

"I see." He replied, putting the armor back on the floor. "Then you must conquer her before we may continue."

Sam could only nod. She still hadn’t adjusted to this whole situation. He directed her to sit down on the floor, crossing her legs like he did to meditate. Then Teal’c went to the corner of the room and returned with what appeared to be a stick of incense in a simple holder.

"What is that?"

"It will help calm you." Teal’c seemed to like being mysterious, so she simply nodded. "Close your eyes."

She did as she was told. Soon a deep scent, reminiscent of burning cedar, filled the room. She felt herself growing heavy, her mind starting to disconnect from her body.

"You are doing well, Major Carter. Seek out your tormentor. Defeat it." His deep melodic voice only served to send her deeper, until she was completely unaware of the world without her. All there was was her mind. All there was was darkness.

Sam opened her eyes. Before her was a wall. Concrete meshed with the living material of Yuuzhan Vong buildings. As her eyes searched further to either side, the two materials separated until they were distinct from each other. Sam stood at the nexus of the two worlds.

"You need to stop her." Sam spun around at the unexpected voice. She saw - herself. The her before her wore full battle dress, complete with flak vest and P90 hanging from her shoulder. Sam immediately noticed there were no scars upon her forehead.

"What?" Sam asked, very confused.

"Just take a look around you. She wants to destroy everything you are." Her SGC image waved the gun at the Yuuzhan Vong portion of the room.

"Do not listen to her and her infidel lies." Sam turned back around to see yet another image of herself. Unsurprisingly, it was her Yuuzhan Vong form in the pale green armor and the hand device she had had. "It is she who wants to consume you."

"But, you’re not real." Sam stated weakly to her Yuuzhan Vong self.

"Were we not one? Do I not stand before you now?"

"You are a lie. You never existed."

"No, you never wanted me to exist." The Yuuzhan Vong form smiled coyly. "There is a difference."

"She’s trying to trick you." Her SGC self warned from behind her.

"I only speak the truth."

"You were born from a lie!"

"As were you!" Her Yuuzhan Vong self countered.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked. How could everything she had been be a lie?

"I was created out of you by others. I am a lie. She was created out of you by others. She is a lie. Everything you are that did not come from yourself is a lie."

"No, I don’t accept that." Sam stated determinedly.

"Nor do you accept me, yet here I am."

"I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to be a killer."

"So you’d rather be a killer like she is." Yuuzhan Vong Sam glared at SGC Sam.

"I kill only when I have to." SGC Sam shot back.

"And that makes it, what, right? Are those people any less dead than the ones I have killed? You hide behind excuses, ‘He is a criminal’ or ‘If I did not kill him than he would have killed me’. You pass judgement. You decide that they shouldn’t live anymore. I do the same. The only difference is I do not masque my intentions." Sam would have gotten dizzy trying to turn in time with the argument, so she simply closed her eyes and listened. The speaker was easy to tell, a dark tone lingering on the voice of her Yuuzhan Vong self.

"You kill for pleasure!" SGC Sam replied. 

"So, if I continue to kill, but mourn each death I cause, it is ok then?"

"Killing just because you can is still wrong!"

"Shut up!" Sam cried, unable to take it anymore. She didn’t believe all that her Yuuzhan Vong self was saying, but it did force her to question her previous motives before the whole incident. What made her method any better than the Yuuzhan Vong’s? Was killing, for any reason, right?

*

Teal’c wiped Sam’s brow with a damp cloth, all the while murmuring encouragements into her ear. She had collapsed to the floor near the beginning, many hours ago, and immediately Teal’c had laid her out on his bed. He watched her furrowed brow, aware of the battle raging in her head.

She had to do this on her own, so Teal’c merely gave her all of the support he could.

*

"You still don’t understand, do you?" the two chorused, causing Sam’s head to snap up.

"Understand what?" Sam had no idea what she was supposed to be doing. Teal’c had made it sound simple. Destroy your tormentor. But, she couldn’t decide which one was tormenting her anymore.

"The answer is simple." SGC Sam stated.

"You just don’t want to see it." Yuuzhan Vong Sam added.

"See what?" asking questions was getting tiring. Riddles were definitely not her thing.

"Why are you here?" SGC Sam asked.

"To choose."

"Choose what?" Yuuzhan Vong Sam continued.

"Which of you I want to be for the rest of my life."

"And therein lies your problem." Again they spoke at the same time.

"What problem? Just tell me already if it’s so simple!" Sam shouted.

"We can’t tell you what you already know." SGC Sam informed her.

"Obviously I don’t know." Frustrated, Sam felt her face getting wet. Crying again, it was enough to make her disgusted.

"You are mistaken. Rectify it and the answer will be there for you." Yuuzhan Vong Sam finished.

Slowly, Sam turned her head to face her Yuuzhan Vong self. Her eyes widened, realization beginning to dawn. She felt so stupid; the answer really was simple.

"You understand now." A warm smile graced Yuuzhan Vong Sam’s lips, but Sam was not surprised to see it there. She did understand now, and from that understanding a choice was made.

Sam opened her eyes to see Teal’c sitting before her, cloth in hand. She could see he was searching her face for some sort of sign. So, she smiled. The biggest, brightest smile she was capable of. Teal’c returned it.

"Who are you?" He asked again, his deep voice barely above a whisper.

Sam did not hesitate to answer. Her words were strong and sure. "Major Samantha Carter, USAF." Not the same Major Samantha Carter as before, and from the look in Teal’c’s eye that he understood that as well. His smile did not lessen, though. So, she concluded, he had known all along. "Why all this then? Why didn’t you tell me?"

"You would not have listened if I had tried, Major Carter." Of course she wouldn’t. The others had all been saying the same thing, in different words, and she had turned them aside. No one had ever told her that she could, or even should, return to what she was before. All they had wanted was for her to accept what had happened and move on from there.

Now, she had. She understood. Neither world would hold her fully anymore. Trying to fit back into the mold that once held her wouldn’t work, just as ultimately the Yuuzhan Vong trying to squeeze her into one of their own design didn’t.

Teal’c then held the Yuuzhan Vong objects before her. Sam eyed them with indifference. They were merely a means to an end, just like the SGC equipment. An end she could choose for herself. She held them as if they were nothing, because that was what they were. There was nothing special about the objects.

Teal’c also handed over the SGC equipment, and Sam was as equally unfazed. Given either one, she could still do whatever she wanted. Whatever she thought was right.

And what was right was not from the worlds she had existed in.

Right she had to decide for herself.

She was Human.

She was Yuuzhan Vong.

She was Samantha Carter.

**The End**

  


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> Author's Notes: Fin, finito. This is it people, I have finally finished. The last part to the Deaths Spawn series.

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>   
>  © April 2004 Not mine. No $. Will return them when I’m done if you say please.

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